The Scene: Thanksgiving with the Family

You squeeze into your chair between your fun cousins, tightly sandwiched in at the long table full of delectable food that was slaved over in the past twenty-four hours by your relatives. Vibrant conversation and sighs of delight fill the room as verbal appreciation of the creamy mashed potatoes, fresh turkey, and cranberry sauce on the table. Everything is running smoothly as family members give thanks for their beloved children, pets, and food until the room falls silent- with the exception of the audible chews of your elderly relatives. You feel it coming, the ultimate disaster and ruiner of large family gatherings: Politics.

Someone brings up “X”. Now “X” for you, could be: Trump, Gender Equality, The Second Amendment, LGBTQ rights, Planned Parenthood, or quite literally anything in the news today. No matter the sides that you support, it is easy to begin to feel your blood boil, and either prepare to avoid it or fight it immediately. A large majority of people want to avert this uncomfortable conversation, but in contrast, psychologists have proved that talking about politics is healthy for the brain. These conversations are becoming increasingly ordinary today, as one study by The Slatest suggests that around half of Americans reject the political affiliation of their parents. Conflict that is aroused at dinner tables and at family gatherings, such as Thanksgiving, should be an opportunity to improve patience, communication, and understanding.

1. Put Away the Judgment!

The importance of listening in civil conversations was most simply put by Seth S. Horowitz in the New York Times, “Hearing is easy…listening is a skill that we’re in danger of losing in a world of digital distraction and information overload.” In order to keep a political conversation civil with Grandpa, it is essential to conceal your judgement, and instead listen and ask genuine questions that seek to help you understand his side of the topic. Jennifer Kunst of Psychology Today eloquently writes, “Approach the conversation with an expectation that you might learn something that would help you more fully understand…” We all know that person who responds poorly to any opposition to their views whatsoever, so try this with them. It is extremely easy to become frustrated with a polar political opposite’s incredulous beliefs and lash out furiously with explicit language and/or gestures, but when you make someone feel listened to, it allows the conversation to unfold and expand. Ideas are able to grow and come to life. Shoving your beliefs and intentions down the throat of an opponent will not result in success, but just more anger and headbutting, as surely most people today have found in these discussions. Even when you are firmly grounded in your views, attempt to comprehend where they are coming from, and ask intelligent, rational questions about their claims.

2.) R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What it Means to Me!

In the strong words of the late Aretha Franklin, “All I’m askin’ for is a little respect”. To prevent your political conversation from becoming a “who can be louder” contest with Grandpa, you must enter the conversation with respect for the other person and their opinions. While this may require a lot of mental effort, respect is a large catalyst in the direction in which a political conversation goes. An uncomplicated strategy to ensure the demise of civility in this conversation is telling the other person, “You’re stupid,” “That’s ridiculous,”  or “Shut up”. It is far more progressive to try to keep these comments hidden and not kill the topic all together. This allows more time for something productive to emerge.

3.) Push Through It

No matter how painful and saddening it might feel to hear your Grandfather’s opinions on “X”, if you stick out the conversation with patience and a level head, the result may be far more productive than you may think. Maintaining a cool head can allow you to think more about your argument, and process theirs. If your conversational opponent begins getting hostile; stay calm, take deep breaths, and rationally explain your viewpoint or counter argument. Your patience may frustrate them at times, but this can provide opportunities to capitalize on your main points.

4.)  Find a Common Ground

Though amidst this conversation you may not even want to see one ounce of similarity between you and your defensive old grandfather, it is necessary to find a common ground with him and his beliefs. The antidote to separation in a conversation is to “recognize commonalities by acknowledging our own limitations and trying to see the good in others” (Psych Today). When we perceive ourselves and others as complex, whole people, there is an increased probability of coming together productively to reach a civil conclusion.

5.) Evidence and Sources                                                                                                                 Many people have the tendency to get emotionally involved in an argument topic, which is understandable. However, to build a most credible and civil argument, it is essential to support your claims and opinions with hard facts and their sources. Evidence may allow your opponent to more fully understand your reasoning because it is not solely based off of blind opinion. In addition,  if you begin to see the other side or some of your facts about a topic were wrong, it’s okay to concede and consider that other point of view for a little while. You don’t have to admit that your view is wrong, but it shows great strength to admit that the other person is right. Even if you’re still convinced that you’re right, conceding that you’re wrong can sometimes be the only way to end a debate with an irrational person like Grandpa, and backing down is a useful skill to have.

6.) Gratitude

It is important to thank your political conversationalist and end the discussion on a positive note. A simple “Thank you for sharing your views” can go a long way, if, that is, you can say it without a trace of sarcasm.

The food should stay on the table during Thanksgiving this year. Fighting Grandpa’s rigid stubborness is not worth time that could be otherwise spent courteously discussing, or cordially examining one another’s points of views.