Us youths don’t know how good we have it. We have smartphones, free education, uncontaminated water, medicine, and the internet, all right at our fingertips. In Ancient Greece in the 8th Century BCE, kids didn’t have any of these luxuries. They had to chisel their homework on wax tablets. If your parents didn’t want you, they didn’t have adoption, they just left you on the street to fend for yourself. They didn’t have plastic toys. The only toys they had were whittled by hand, often out of lamb bones. They had it rough. But I bet you never heard those kids complaining, “ohhh I have to wake up early to get my free education” “awwww school is dumb, I don’t want to drag my body out of bed to fill my head with knowledge.” Laments we overhear regularly throughout the day.

We have become weak. We should be jumping out of bed at 5am just for the chance to go to school. We should be getting here early. The fact of the matter is we’ve become little ungrateful lazy hooligans. Clearly incapable of realizing how good we really have it. So I propose to you, not that our school start time needs to be pushed back, but that we need to change our broken mindset. Any other solution and we are succumbing to the evils of idleness, the depravity of dormancy, the sin of sleepiness.

So how do we change our broken, twisted outlooks. Well luckily I have a solution. The only way to regain the mental fortitude of our Ancient Greek brethren is to adopt their lifestyle and system of beliefs.

We need a mandatory mattress burning for anyone enrolled in public education. Our modern mattresses are enabling our sleeping in habits with their excessive comfort. The springs and memory foam that pack their insides empower our listless ways. The first step to our willing and timely arrival to the school building is to revert to the Ancient Greek practice of sleeping on mats of dry grass.

We need to discard all technology. Especially cell phones and computers. They are further enabling us to stay in bed in the morning scrolling through instagram and binging netflix. Ancient greek torches and candles would be perfect for the modern student as they provide no incentive or entertainment to those who chose to remain under the covers.

Lastly and most importantly, we need to adopt the teachings of the Philokalia: an Ancient Greek text that promoted spiritual renewal through conversion to Eastern Orthodoxy and adoption of “inner asceticism.” Asceticism, for those who require a definition, is the practice of severe self discipline and denial of physical or psychological desires, often to fulfill a religious goal.

So how do we implement ascetic Eastern Orthodoxy here at humble Rhinebeck High School. The only sure solution is early morning Soul Cycle. We must mandate that all students arrive at school at 6:00am for 2 hours of SoulCycle stationary biking. Or Ascetic Labors to Ensure Religious Tractability. ALERT.

For those unfamiliar, SoulCycle promises that you will “Emerge feeling stronger, like the best version of yourself. Because moving your body changes your soul.” By requiring a school wide Soul Cycle experience, we force students to prove their dedication and rise to the occasion of an early wake up call. The dopamine flooding their brains as they bike will not only make them more alert, but convince them that they are enjoying waking up before the sun.

To further remold adolescent minds’ out ALERT Soulcycle instructors will forgo their customary inspirational script for bible verses regarding sleep. “I lie down and sleep; I wake again, for the LORD sustains me.” They will cry. “Love not sleep, lest you come to poverty; open your eyes, and you will have plenty of bread.” “I will not give sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I find a place for the Lord, a dwelling place for the Mighty One of Jacob.”

Ascetic Eastern Orthodoxy as was preached in Ancient Greece is the most efficient way to convert us young teens. The intense physical exertion of Soul Cycle coupled with hypnotic Bible verses will not only reinforce the Ascetic practice of severe self discipline but provide internal Religious motivation.

If we want to save America’s youth, our only option is to face their complaints about school by entirely ignoring them.

Thank you for your time.